Conflicted.

Blame it on the climate change.
Here's two conversations with my 4 yr old, that happened within 6 hours of each other.

***

CHAT #1  (At home, while we're getting ready to go out.)

Hey Mom, you've got your VBS hat on.
yes, yes I do.

I remember when you worked at VBS.  Really?  Yes, I was so sad when you had to go off to work.  But then when you came into my room, I was so happy and excited, I just wanted to hug you and kiss you and show you what I was doing! (and he proceeds to hug and kiss me repeatedly, with a big smile.)

Wow, buddy.  I'm glad you were happy to see me at VBS.  (pause to silently berate myself for not checking in on him more often.)  So, are you happy that I'm with you all the time now?
OH YES, MAMA!!!  (more hugs and kisses and smiles)



CHAT #2  (In the car, just after I bought 3 lottery tickets.)

You know what I would do if I won the lottery, Mom?  Hmmm, what?
I'd buy a house in Florida and live there forever!  Really?  What would you do? 
Yep, I'd buy a house in Florida and play with my friends everyday, because then I'd be happy again.
(The sound of my heart breaking.)

***

Needless to say, Chat #2 was especially heartbreaking considering we just had a morning out with other lil' big kids, AND a smallish dose of cousin fun.  I *know* this transition north has been harder - on ALL of us - than we thought it would be.  And I *know* that once he gets into a regular routine with buddies, he'll be fine.   But now?  Oh, kiddo.  Mix in a crazy schedule and cold weather and winter colds/germs/sick times...  the forecast doesn't look so promising here.  Good thing we had Chat #1 so my heart isn't completely shattered just yet...

Heavenly Birthday (not the kind you're thinking of)

Let me start by saying that trying to sneak something past airport security is never a good idea.

You know that.  I know that too, but this morning I somehow thought no one would notice the double boxed cremains of my brother next to an 1800 bottle and hard hat in my carry on luggage.  It wasn't a good plan, but I really didn't think I could explain without crying.   Thankfully, I came to my senses about 90 seconds before sending our stuff down the line.  I caught the attention of a security woman and managed to whisper something about a box, while vaguely waving a certificate toward my suitcase.  The delay, of course, caused a bit of attention I was trying to avoid.  Awkward start to our travels north, eh?

The whole day was a bit awkward and rough.  Instead of celebrating my brother's 50th birthday, I was escorting "him" to Pennsylvania.  It's the first time I've been home in about a month, since we first got the news of his car accident.  There was a week of whirlwind travels and planning and mourning with others.  Then a few weeks where we drifted around Florida visiting friends.  So my house feels... awkward.  There's a huge pile of mail to attend to, as well as figuring out some Louisiana law, and we need to resume settling in here.  But I'm tired and grumpy and sad.  So it can all wait until tomorrow.

What I want to share tonight, though, is two conversations with my 4 yr old.  He's at that age where he understands some things, but things being permanent is still a bit fluid...  

Conversation a few weeks ago:

Kaden: Where are we again?
Me:  Louisiana.

Kaden:  Oh, right.  Where Uncle Steve lives.

Me:  He used to live here, hunny, but he died, remember?

Kaden:  Right, he used to live in Louisiana, but now he lives up in heaven.

Me:  Well, we don't know where heaven is exactly, but wherever it is, that's where Uncle Steve is.

Kaden:  *I know* where heaven is.

Me:  really?  Where?

Kaden:  It's in our hearts.

****

Conversation this morning:

Kaden - Nana, why are you crying? is it because we're leaving?

Nana - Well, a little bit. But mostly because it's Uncle Steve's birthday today.

Kaden - That's right, and he's in heaven.  Well, you could always ask God to tell him that you said happy birthday.

Nana - yes, and I am going to let a birthday balloon go up in the sky later on.

Kaden - That's great, Nana, God will reach down and give it to Uncle Steve.

***

He keeps us honest, that boy.  Happy Birthday, Uncle Steve.  We miss and love you!

Time for some FUN

It's time.  Cabin fever has hit this hermit mama... I spent a little time last week looking up oodles of fun things to do around here.  I knew it was time to find structured things for Kaden to do after these two exchanges:

Me:  Hey, Kaden, do you want to go to a class with me for-

Kaden, jumping up and hugging me:  YES! YES! YES!

Me:  But I didn't tell you what it was for.

Kaden:  That's okay, Mama, I'll go.

Then yesterday, Grandma said:  We haven't see you this week, Kaden.  Whatcha been up to?
Kaden:  Watching TV.

Grandma:  That's nice, and what else?

Kaden:  Nothing.

Er.... ahem.  The now-Pennsylvania boy is ready, yes?  Jimdad took him to one of those kid-build things at a store, and both had a great time.  Tomorrow we've got a Moms group meeting- I've only been to one other, but both of us enjoyed it, and the other moms have been helpful through the online group too.  There's another playgroup thing on Tuesday morning... and then a smallish road trip at the end of the week.  Plus, I've filled the Google calendar with a LOT of options that (hopefully) will get us through the rest of this winter!

Photo from a few weeks ago:  the Florida boy's first sled ride was in the dark!  

He loved it... of course.

Reminiscing

Kaden, to me:
Remember when we used to say hello to our neighbors in florida?
we said hello to the twins
we said hello to Carole...
we haven't said hello to anyone here.
(pause)
once they tell us their names, we can say hello all the time.

***

Jimdad: What do you miss about Florida, Kaden?
Kaden:  The twins and the library.  And the beach.  And our old church, with the playground in back.
Nana:  Do you miss your old school?
Kaden:  No.  They made me take naps.

***

Kaden:  When we go to Disney this year...
Me, interrupting:  Hunny, we're not going this year.  That was a once in a decade trip.
Kaden:  Well, we might.  You never know.

***

Nana:  What do you want to do FIRST when we get to Florida?
Kaden:  Go to the beach, on a warm day, so we can go swimming, and have a picnic.

***

They say, dear readers, that we will adjust to life up here.  I'll let you know about that when we thaw out.